I Was Moving On...

Four years ago, I made the first move by messaging you. I covered up the actual reason I messaged, by asking for help. But I actually messaged you to know... if you felt it too... if you saw it too...the sparks. Four years ago, my heart skipped a thousand beats when I first saw you. But four years ago, I was too young and immature to accept it. Honestly, I did not even know what love was. But I felt it... and I’m sure you did too. But there was one thing that stopped me... you...us... Fear.  

You found happiness else where... while I desperately searched for happiness. The happiness that you gave me. The only difference is, you were able to move on, while I wasn’t. I had faith in the escalated heartbeats and the sparks that surrounded us when we were together. Slowly, slowly, I began to accept the fact that, we were not meant for each other. I began to move on. 

I was about to make my first step... 

onto a road of happiness... 

when you messaged...

The person you had thought was your happiness... was no longer yours. 

You were heartbroken. 

And so was I... for you.

What was supposed to be my first step forward in a long time, ended up being two steps backwards. I wanted to be there for you. By then I knew, I was in love. An emotion, a feeling I have been avoiding. For love brings nothing but pain. And maybe I was ready, ready to tell you. But my only fear was my uncertainty of whether it was the right time... I did not want to be a rebound. 

I was not quick enough. 

I tried to comfort you... I tried to be there for you... But once again, you found happiness elsewhere... This time I was heartbroken. And you weren’t there for me. I had fallen for you twice... and promised myself I wouldn’t again. I went on a desperate search for happiness again... where I tripped and fell many times. 

At my greatest fall, I could not help but to ask for your hand. It was so easy for you to grab on, pick me up halfway... and leave me hanging. Eventually, I stood back up... this time I was adamant to move on. Four years had passed, and there was no reason to wait. You were happy, and I deserved to be happy as well. 

Once again, after a long time I was about to make my first step, towards happiness...

And once again, 

You came back.

Finally replied to the messages that I did not expect a reply from. The messages I sent, to reassure myself that it was okay to move on. 

But you replied... 

And this time things were different. You had your acclaimed happiness, yet you were still searching... And your search brought you to me. 

And this time, a new match was lit. 

And there was a flame, rather than just sparks. 

And our hearts were racing rather than just merely skipping. 

This time... we both were in love. 

I was moving on... and I was adamant upon my decision. Once again, I fell weak. I felt that I could provide you with the happiness you deserve. Completely forgetting, I do not have that right. But this time I am willing to wait.

One last time.

We have spent too many nights, weaving dreams together... for them to just die out... is impossible. Yes, I am hurting. And I will remain hurting, till I know you ARE happy. Whether, it is with her or me. I am willing to wait... One last time... before I move on, and stumble upon my path again. 

This time if I do move on... there will be no looking back. One more time I look back, I will fall...so deep...that I may not even be able to find my way back up.

I Die a Little Bit Inside Every Time... (To be continued...)

I die a little bit inside every time I,
shed a tear in your memory.
Recollecting the memories we've built together...
In hope of this phenomena known as, forever.

Why is it that when I placed my head down in sujood, I felt the farthest from my Lord?

They say when one is in the state of prayer, they are the closest to God. Why is it that when I placed my head down in sujood, I felt the farthest from my Lord? I literally felt myself take a step towards a path I had long left behind me. My mind began to contemplate actions that I had once committed and managed to forget. Today, when I thought I was completely healed, my mind revisited the life that I wished I had never lived. The same person that was responsible five years ago, is the same person that is responsible today. 

It scares me... because five years ago, everything began with a mere thought. Just like today. I do not want relive the time my heart was at its weakest. I do not want to deteriorate the mindset that took me so long to build. I do not want my soul to return to its lord with so many scars and bruises. Especially when the wounds of the past, have just healed. 
  

Hidden Within

Behind these eyes of mine,

are tears that refuse to flow. 

Masked within this smile of mine,

lies an everlasting frown that will never show.

Within these dreams of mine,

is hidden darkness that will forever glow.

And within this poem of mine,

lies a broken soul that you'll never know. 

Broken Trust,Shattered Dreams...

This is a little sneak peak to my horrible poem....

What happened to those long nights? 

When we talked and fought.

When we cried and sighed.

Our silent laughter

And our dripping tears.

Together overcoming all our fears.

What happened to those promises?

Of companionship,

Of friendship? 

Love ought to never be so fragile,

But knowingly I refused 

How could I be so senile? 

Lost...

Sometimes I really have no idea what I am doing with my life. They used to say, major in an area where you are passionate and enjoy learning about. But now everything is based on the future. Now we have to leave our passions behind, leave our dreams behind and major in an area where we will find a good job with a good salary. I want to major in teaching, but at the same time I am interested in journalism and graphic designing. And I LOVE expressing my feelings and emotions through poems. Coding each and every single word so that I can only understand the TRUE meaning behind what I truly want to say. As a matter of fact not only do I enjoy writing poems but I really wish to write a book one day, dedicated to my mother. A woman whom I believe the entire world has the right to know and learn about. But these are just the side dish to to main course. And that is what I am confused about, the MAIN course. In a meal the main course is what a person always looks forward to and it defines the entire meal. the question is what do I MAINLY want to do? What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to pursue in?
Only God knows... and I hope Inshallah (God willing) he will show me where I really belong...  

What Introverts Feel?

In my opinion I believe there are very few extroverts compared to introverts. I myself am an introvert, that has taught herself to smile no matter how bad the situation. I try to make serious situations humorous, sad situations happy, basically I try to find the positive side of all situations.

Why? 

For myself... So at the moment everyone else thinks I CAN handle a situation. But inside? Inside I shatter just a little bit more, weaken a bit more... die a bit more. Introverts are the most alone people alive. When we cry, no one sees our tears. When we scream, no one hears. When we are alone, we are rejected. Slowly, slowly we allow life to steal our little bits of happiness. We forget about that one of few people that, DO care for us. We forget that there may be a tomorrow and maybe just maybe tomorrow happiness can just maybe walk into our lives. Maybe just maybe we can learn how to live again. 

Maybe... Just Maybe.